If You Could Only See Inside of Me…

We all have masks that shield us from emotional trauma.

And in a time when we are consumed with bereavement and the loss of a loved one, we try to hide behind the mask of grief.

People say they are sorry for our loss and offer condolences. For the most part, they are speechless — not really knowing what it is we need to hear or how we feel.

In some cases, people try to cheer us up by minimizing our loss or deflecting our feelings.

They make comments like, “you’ll get over this soon… snap out of it, it’s been 6 months… time heals all wounds…”

People just don’t know what to say, so in a perfect world, they should say nothing.

But…

Unless they actually know — from experience — how we feel, they cannot feel our pain and anguish.

Which is the entire point of nurturing Empathy  — growing in Grace.

According to the PositivePsychology.com website… “Empathy is an integral part of emotional and social development and an essential motivator for helping those in distress. In a very literal sense, it is the “ability to feel or imagine another person’s emotional experience” (McDonald & Messinger, 2011).”

According to Andrew Sobel…

The research shows that empathy is partly innate and partly learned. Everyone can improve, however. Here are eight ways to strengthen your own empathy:

1. Challenge yourself. Undertake challenging experiences which push you outside your comfort zone. Learn a new skill, for example, such as a musical instrument, hobby, or foreign language. Develop a new professional competency. Doing things like this will humble you, and humility is a key enabler of empathy.

2. Get out of your usual environment. Travel, especially to new places and cultures. It gives you a better appreciation for others.

3. Get feedback. Ask for feedback about your relationship skills (e.g., listening) from family, friends, and colleagues—and then check in with them periodically to see how you’re doing.

4. Explore the heart, not just the head. Read literature that explores personal relationships and emotions. This has been shown to improve the empathy of young doctors.

5. Walk in others’ shoes. Talk to others about what it is like to walk in their shoes—about their issues and concerns and how they perceived experiences you both shared.

6. Examine your biases. We all have hidden (and sometimes not-so-hidden) biases that interfere with our ability to listen and empathize. These are often centered around visible factors such as age, race, and gender. Don’t think you have any biases? Think again—we all do.

7. Cultivate your sense of curiosity. What can you learn from a very young colleague who is “inexperienced?” What can you learn from a client you view as “narrow”? Curious people ask lots of questions (point 8), leading them to develop a stronger understanding of the people around them.

8. Ask better questions. Bring three or four thoughtful, even provocative questions to every conversation you have with others.

Authenticity requires us to take off our masks and make Empathy a two-way street… to see inside of others… and more importantly, to see inside ourselves.

I found that when I stopped and listened to the comments others were saying, I could see the real person behind the mask they were wearing.

In my case, I learned to love more as I learned to feel more.

I became the person I needed to be at the time I needed it most.

Empathy is the big E in Grace because, without this stone, we cannot build our bridge of Grace over the rapidly flowing river of grief.

My message is that, if you want to feel better, learn to feel more.

God Bless,
Eric Richard Haas

Your bridge of Grace over the river of tears